D R E A M

B I G

Do you ever wonder what happened to her up there because I do .

twenty twenty-five

That one was a great year. The best yet, I really do believe. Each year, my creative output and musical pursuits become only more and more grand... and that is a trend that I absolutely intend to continue with.

First I released inevitable, inescapable after 8 months of work and preparation with a small label that found me. That album was received wonderfully! That release was really a milestone for me; I would mark that album as the moment in my discography when my production skill finally caught up to my skill in artistic expression. And with "can it please be over?" I began to really drive that home. Then after buying and building a computer for myself, I announced a complete metamorphosis taking place over the next 5 years, and entered the cocoon.

That was 2025.

explain yourself

It was more of a quality > quantity kind of year. Thanks to all who stuck it out with me. I am admittedly a bit disappointed with the lack of content I gave you, but content is no longer the goal; it is only art. I don't believe I'm going to be around for very long. It is paramount that I create art that will be around forever. I've got so much to give, but I have to cultivate this gift or I'll never realize my potential.

So, for the next 5 years, I intend to cultivate my spark and grow, instead of focusing merely on creating quickly. I've taken all the pressure off myself to "create content," I hope you understand.

where are you going

I'm doing everything in my power to ensure that my path for the future is decided on my own terms. My terms?

If I am not chasing music, I am not truly alive. I completely plan to devote my life to this craft, from producing to performing. I want to give people the kind of music you experience religiously. I want to film music videos in Norway and abandoned buildings. I want people to cry their hearts out with me and sing my songs right back to me at concerts. I want music and it's non-negotiable.

Unfortunately, the people who currently hold the most control over my life have different beliefs on what a successful person looks like. When they look at me, they only see intelligence; I could make so much money if I wasted my brain away behind a desk. They are trying to force me into a future that will kill me.

I tell people I have to pursue music for the rest of my life, and they just smile at me like I'm a child. Haven't I thought about the money? Do we, as a society, think about anything else? It sickens me that I can find a concrete purpose and beauty in life only to be looked at like a child.

Being an artist is courageous, daring even. I simply cannot condemn myself to a future behind a desk; I'm not a coward, I can chase my passion in the midst of a little discomfort. This is the most mature decision I've ever made.

you seem tired

I am.

For the last year, it's been nonstop work to keep my head above water in school. I'm going for valedictorian because I really need scholarships for college; it's well within my reach, but I am absolutely exhausted, day in, day out. Then I have my work schedule on top of that, preventing me from getting much rest. Then I have my Type 1 diabetes management always in the background, with the full knowledge that each slip-up brings demise that much closer.

I am extremely busy. It feels like death is right behind me even though my future is right in front of me. That's just all the more reason why I need to create art, but I just don't have the time. Honestly I'm just drifting from one breakdown to the next at this point. One day though, I'll look out at my life and it will finally be what I want. I just don't know when that day is.

why can't you just be happy

I don't know, I keep trying.

But every time I feel myself collect the smallest bit of confidence, I just get kicked to the ground again. I think I'd be happy if I didn't have to be alone anymore, but changing that has proven impossible so far. That's been the most exhausting thing of all; I don't have anyone to do this for. I always find the diamonds in the rough; then I project my love for them onto their every interaction with me, and fool myself into believing that this time will be different. I would give her the world. But I'm a social klutz, so I always manage to screw it up and just make everyone uncomfortable. Rinse and repeat.

How do I escape the reality that I've never been good enough for anyone? Not one date, not one compliment thrown my way in 17 years of living. I've been waiting forever to love someone and be loved. Meanwhile, everyone around me has found love that is shallow and plastic. There has to be something more... it's just not a part of life that I will get to experience. Honestly I struggle to cope with that.

The problem with having a big heart is that it's so much heavier when I have to carry it by myself. And my heart is worth less than nothing to almost everyone around me. I just hope that I'll be able to become a person worthy of love at some point, if I give enough of it to the world... but it's exhausting, and most of the time depressing as well.

sounds like you had an awesome valentine's day then

Oh, you better believe it. Didn't get one text the entire day. Nice to know people are thinking of me!

are you done venting to strangers on the internet

Yeah sorry, just trying to stay authentic for everyone! You guys deserve to know the artist behind the art, and my whereabouts!

new music when

I don't exactly know when I'll finish it, but rest assured, this is easily my best song to date. I have put an unbelievable amount of care into every aspect of this song, and I am absolutely psyched for the day I can finally give it to you!

any new music recs?

YOU BET. Recently I've discovered two albums/artists that have absolutely captivated me, with how raw they are emotionally and how intricate they are atmospherically. However, they bring completely different vibes.

For those who prefer softer, indie folk styles, I have to recommend this album: I Heard That Noise - quickly, quickly

For fans of experimental hip-hop and emo rap, you MUST listen to AND THEY MINE FOR OUR BODIES by Gao the Arsonist!

stay tuned

stay tuned

I spent just under half of my time on the FL project and the majority of my time on the SunVox layer, which has far more notes as well.

This song is now at its final length of 7:42 and my vision is complete.

I will begin recording vocals soon. Processing and mixing them will be an incredible challenge, so please continue to bear with me as I figure this out.

Thank you for your patience, friends

I've been working around 2.5 hours average every day on the track since the 23rd, and I assure you, great progress is being made! But this time around, you don't have to just take my word for it; I've got a few screenshots to share to prove it lol. Don't judge my flp okay I'm not organized yet, I'm still figuring out how much the dynamic DAW duo can do.

I have finished the majority of the production! Once all of that is done, I will record, process, and mix the vocals into the track. Due to the complexity of the vocal layers I have planned, this will also take some time. But I urge you to wait at the edge of your seat!

Tried out @Shabadaman's cool new extension today, and these numbers are incredible. I'm truly moved by how much support y'all have been giving me over the years.

New music soon.

Here's my playlist, for while you read!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4Bcz9aXkuvXR9ZfoVuJMnb?si=J0MjdL2cTYGbbOHFP7w7ow

The updates in question:

I'll get the music updates out of the way first, then we'll move into personal life updates, because I know you readers have priorities. Winter break is upon us, and thankfully I am temporarily out of the stress fest that is school. With this newfound freedom, I have actual time on my hands... meaning, back to music production! I've been practicing a lot of sound design, and I have navigated some necessary technical difficulties. I'm finally recording on my microphone; the results aren't quite at a professional level of quality, but honestly it's a lot closer than I expected. What I mean to say is: I'm making STRIDES of progress.

The song project I'm working on is similar in scale to "can it please be over" but with much more nuanced lyrical work and vocal performance in general. I'm really excited to get this one done for you all, but of course I am addicted to quality control. I have to execute this idea as perfectly as I know I'm able... which may take a while! But the project is taking flight, so it's on its way at some point. Oh, and I believe I'll give you all a face reveal with the release of the song, so you also have that to look forward to. These are revolutionary times :0

I will be starting guitar lessons sometime near the beginning of next year, and hopefully I can use some of that lush acoustic sound in my work. Blended, of course, with the weirdest sound design SunVox can provide! I am also working to develop my mixed voice, that ever-elusive space between chest voice and falsetto. With that part of my voice range strengthened, I'll be able to sing a LOT of new things. Overall, I'm just working to become the best musician I can, outside of production.

Now that all the music updates are out of the way, I can spill all my tea. The last few months have been my loneliest, most stressful, and most sleepless months of my life up to this point. My family has torn itself to pieces around me. I discovered that I'm extremely likely to die of Alzheimer's in my 50s or 60s, after years of the mind-numbing struggle to manage type 1 diabetes. I'm figuring out how to live with this timer winding down above my head, but it's disorienting. Death feels more like a memory now, especially after the few times I've nearly surrendered myself to it recently. A life of loneliness doesn't seem worth living, and sometimes I feel inclined to just save myself the trouble. Yet I also try to talk my closest friends out of this same drastic measure, almost every week. In the meantime, I've worked harder than I knew I was capable of, under a level of burnout more intense than I had ever previously imagined.

AND YET.

With all of this going on, I've found such a strange sense of peace in the ability to just lose myself completely in song. Music can flow from my headphones to my brain, to the joints in my arms and legs, the muscles, extending out to my fingertips; music can make me move like a puppet if I let it! And I feel the greatest sense of purpose I've ever understood, and I am acquainted with joy. I've still got art to create, and I will create it.

So I've found a way to be productive! I've managed to stay at the top of my class because I'm a champion procrastinator, I've written a terrifying amount of essays, and I even scored a lovely 1500/1520 on a PSAT. So, my life is going somewhere great, I just have to make it out of these years. Then, I'll make something beautiful, absolutely beautiful, and cement a legacy that lasts FAR beyond the 50-60 years I will walk this wonderful ground. And my music will help people like me-- those who are lonely and stressed and self-loathing-- find life's joy for themselves again.

Stay tuned.

-facaded

Im not comfortable with these tools, I don’t feel like I have the skill to create the incredible stuff I want to. These tools can do it, I can’t.

I can’t write crazy ambience and beauty the way I used to, I can’t design the sounds I want to on FL.

I have so much more vision now than ever before, but I know I won’t be able to execute it anytime soon.

So much to learn, not enough time, not enough skill to nail this learning curve as quickly as I want…

This is my cat

Her name is Maggie

she my best fren <3

we luv her

i hope you all like my cat

Thankfully I have some expierence with microphones and audio interfaces, so setting them up was pretty simple!

Microphone: RODE NT1 5th Generation

Audio Interface: Audient iD4 MkII